so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
