I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
