dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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