we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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