Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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