help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
