Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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