I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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