mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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