I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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