Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
