even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
