Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
