he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
