There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
