she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
