I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
