Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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