theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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