The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
