i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
