Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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