My liver just broke up with me...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
NoShamevember. You game?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
