last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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