tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
