I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
