Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
