I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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