my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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