The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
