Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
