You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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