So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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