I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
