i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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