Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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