my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
