I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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