im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize