My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
