nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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