at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
