Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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