I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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