Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
