Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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