I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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