hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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