my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
