you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
