Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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