Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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