im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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