According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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