he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Randomize
