It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
