I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
