i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
