thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
