I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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