very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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