T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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