I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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