Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
